Please Don't Blame Me!

*Please note: This post was originally written on February 9, 2010 but, due to the fact that I live in the mountains, basically out where people go to get away from technology, the only access to the Internet I'm privy to is dial-up. Well, I guess "something" happened to my phone line (I've been waiting almost two weeks for an answer to this mysterious question with no response) and they have FINALLY fixed the phone line. They unfortunately did not tell me what was actually wrong with the phone line but it is a bit easier not to care anymore now that it is fixed. Anyway...I'm so glad I can finally do my first post, and if I'm ever absent for a while, you can assume that something has happened to my wonderful internet/phone line!*

Fibromyalgia (FMS) is so hard to explain, for everyone involved. The loved ones of the afflicted can take several positions. Most loved ones want to be supportive, some offer a lot of assistance, i.e. helping prepare meals, helping with laundry, grocery shopping, doctors’ appointments, mainly helping while their loved ones’ life goes from functioning to needing to depend on others. If all those afflicted had a dozen relatives/friends like these, they would be so lucky and blessed, even just to have one.

There are other people though, that are so hard to deal with, and these are those that blame the afflicted for their symptoms. Reading and research has shown me, unfortunately, that I’m not alone in being blamed by a close family member for the symptoms of my FMS. FMS is an invisible disease. Those afflicted do not "look" sick. I know I look healthy. What people don’t know is that it takes a lot of make-up and a lot of time to look so "healthy." The reason I started this blog is because I have a family member who constantly blames me, as a person, for my FMS. Even though I have lost almost everything, my home, my ability for employment, my independence, my hope for a family as I lost all boyfriends and a fiancé due to my inability to do a lot of things, i.e. hiking, night life, quick spontaneity and fears that I could not get off of my medicine to have a family, this family member still feels that I have brought my symptoms on myself (I honestly don’t know how) and not only do they blatantly say that to my face, they actually (and constantly) yell at me because I don’t somehow magically overcome them or make them go away. Life with FMS is such a struggle, and then with this added pressure it can, at times, make life seem too hard. I have even strongly thought of suicide, not even so much because of how hard my FMS struggle has been, but because of the verbal abuse I suffer from this person. The yelling that it is me doing it, even though I have seen a doctor every month for 10 years. It’s more the fact that they don’t care where my pain is in my body, even after so long, or that if I sleep too long during the day, I’m lazy and unmotivated and it’s all my fault and all the yelling, all while my body is screaming at me, my muscles were already spasming in my mid-back and usually in my neck and shoulders, like I had worked out too hard and was very sore and had a "charlie horse" in that area, but then on top of it, the more I was yelled at, the more the pain would throb and twist, and even though I’ve tried to just ignore their incredibly painful words or somehow not let it hurt so much, I can’t control how much the words hurt. I would just cry and cry, it was like my soul was literally screaming at this person and at God, how could my life have come to this? How could I be so trapped in such physical and mental pain? Obviously these questions have not been answered, I’m still right in the middle of this, just today I suffered under these words and this abuse. I cried so hard my eyes are burning right now as I’m looking at this computer screen. How can I get every person in my life to understand what I’m going through and be understanding, except for one of the people who is supposed to love me the most?

I started this blog to be a place for others with Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, ME/CFS, MS or any other type of pain or wanting to talk about anything that they have a hard time talking about with others, to be able to have a place to talk about their hardships without feeling guilty or like they’re doing something wrong. I don’t know about others, but I have been strongly discouraged not to talk about my woes too often at the risk of being a downer, losing friends, or just being that person that is depressing to talk to because they’re never happy. I know I’m that person right now. I can tell that people are uncomfortable talking to me. They ask how I’m doing and I say, "ok" but these people know me too well, they know something’s wrong and ask about it. I try to give them a "Cliff Notes" version and I realize they really don’t want to hear it. Let’s see, I hurt all the time, I can’t manage to stay awake really at all, I have no job or money and I’m starting to get into debt and it’s scary, I have no friends where I live, I’m constantly berated by my family yet I’m trapped in my parents home because they are the only people who have offered to help me out, feed me, put a roof over my head. I have one friend who talks to me, but even he always seems to put a time limit on our conversations. I think it’s been about a year since I’ve had any type of good news to tell anyone. I have really been holding most of this info in for 10 years and like I said, I contemplated suicide before I learned that writing in my journal was a release that made me feel better enough to realize and remember that I have way more self worth than to ever kill myself. I’ve lived life this long, and I know I still have a long time to go and I’m not going to lie, the idea of living that long life still in constant pain is scary, but the longer I live with this, the more I learn how to help myself. Most importantly though, I really don’t want anyone else to feel that they cannot talk about the negative and desperate aspects of FMS, or life, just because they were cautioned or felt they should not to talk about them. I agree it shouldn’t be the only concentration, but everyone needs to talk about how hard life is. Only someone without FMS, would suggest not to talk about its negative aspects, our emotions cannot be denied, they are a part of us. Maybe it is just me who couldn’t handle holding the trauma of being in constant pain in, but even if I can offer a safe space for just one person, I would feel maybe I helped the FMS community. I would like to say that anyone is also welcome to leave an email if they don’t feel comfortable writing a comment because what they have to say is too personal.

I will also try to offer as much information and research on FMS from everything I have learned, which is quite a bit considering I love to continuously look up information whether in books or on the internet. A lot of people may find this information useful if they have not been able to do this research on their own. I will always state my sources so people can look into the resources themselves. I am not a doctor so I know it’s important to state where I get my information from, although sometimes I’m just going to state my own opinions and thoughts and I will always specify that they are my own.

Oh, and, this blog will definitely not always be about FMS. I have a lot of interests, all of which I have listed in my profile and I intend to write about whatever comes to mind. When I talk about "Writing Thru Pain" I want people to know that I mean any kind of pain. Sometimes it is much easier to write about it and see comments from strangers, than try to talk to friends and family you know and love and start problems!

There are so many fun things in this life that have kept me going thru all of this pain, most of which I listed in my interest section. I will be looking for tips and advice regarding a lot of them. For example, I just started learning more about photography because I was given a really nice camera as a bonus at my old job in Michigan before I moved to Tennessee and I’m really trying to learn how to be a good photographer so that I can take pictures to go with articles I’m writing to submit to newspapers as a freelance journalist and writer. People say my pictures are good, so that is encouraging, but I need to know what makes a picture "good?" Any comments and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

Anyway, if you want to write, comment or randomly say anything about any of my interests, or yours, please do. Unfortunately, I spend a lot of time laying down due to my FMS, but fortunately it gives me a lot of time to write, which is absolutely my favorite thing to do. The world works in mysterious ways doesn’t it!!!

Here’s to you & me, pain free!!!

MZ