Storms of Spring

So sleeping all day is getting really old, I think it is a symptom of the Narcolepsy, or FMS, either way I wasn’t this way until I was diagnosed with FMS!!! I’m desperately trying to figure out how to get myself out of this cycle of sleeping all day & being up all night, but I really think that it is what my body naturally wants to do, which is kind of scary. I feel like I should be a vampire, dress all in black and only come out when the sun isn’t shining...the problem is, when the sun is shining is my favorite time so I really want to break out of this cycle...or move to Australia!
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Anyway, the storms of spring aren’t helping me out very much either. Even if I wanted to try something to break out of my sleep cycle, last night wouldn’t have been the time because the first major storms of spring sprang through the southeast. It was really scary to be watching SNL and have the weatherman bust in telling me that there are multiple tornadoes on the ground about 2 and a half hours away. It was such a weird and terrifying feeling. Either way, my little doggie was horrified until about 4 am, when it finally stopped storming.
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It’s the strangest thing, he (Bailey, my dog that is) was completely fine with storms until he was about 5 and then he became like all those other dogs I’ve seen, shaking and hiding. Although his hiding always has to be on either my dad’s lap or with me, interesting isn’t it. Those are the two places he feels most safe. Well last night I was up with him all night. I did some research about dogs that are scared of storms and found that they really do stop shaking, at least 80% of the their shaking, if they’re covered up by a sheet or blanket. I guess it stops static electricity, which is what makes them shake in the first place. So Bailey & I cuddled all night, I just held him under the covers & let him sleep like a human (he has his own little pillow & blankie, I know, ridiculous) and it comforts him & makes him not so terrified during the storms. It worked last night. The only downfall, I was so worried about him (& possibly the tornadoes that got as close as two hours away) that I didn’t sleep all night. Oh well, he’s worth it.
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Of course then I slept all day, woke up at 6 pm. Had dinner with my parents, where it took me 45 minutes to explain to them what the t.v. show Glee is all about and that their nephew (my cousin) had auditioned for a part in the show earlier today. I said Glee is a Fox TV show based on a show choir and they thought it was like American Idol with choirs. Took 15 minutes to get them to understand that it was actually a tv show and not a reality show. The whole conversation started by me telling them that my cousin, Devlin, auditioned for the show 2 hours prior. They couldn’t understand how I could possibly know that Devlin had just auditioned for this show in Los Angeles when we’re in this tiny mountain town, all I had to say was "twitter," and they backed off a little, although we still had to discuss twitter for 10 minutes, with nothing sinking in, even though this is about the 5th time I’ve tried to explain it. Then I continued my explanation of Glee, that it was based on a show choir...but when my father just couldn’t get the "show choir" concept, even though I was really seriously involved in a show choir all through high school, I started losing interest. I was doing all of this all while having level 7 out of 10 pain because I hadn’t even taken any medicine yet and I had a splitting headache from allergies, which are insane down here in the south. When I was so frustrated I just stopped talking about it, my parents started talking amongst themselves, my mom saying, "George, we should watch Glee so we’re ready when Devlin is on it." My dad responded with a grunt, which means "Ok." So I realized that they pretty much got it, not twitter, but Glee. Then my mom asked me when Glee is on, when I told them it was on at the same time as NCIS, they said, "Well I guess we can’t watch it then." (Sorry Devlin!) I said, "You could always DVR it." When my mom asked how you do that, I said, "No way, I’ll have to explain that one tomorrow! (That was in absolutely no way a dig on NCIS, it is one of my favorite shows, just call me Mrs. Weatherly!!!)
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I know, rough day, but you try explaining something so easy to understand for 45 minutes!!! Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a Seinfeld episode or that I’m Larry David’s long lost daughter! And this has been not just one day of my life, but many, soooooooo many......
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Anyway, watched Kendra, Chelsey Lately and saw the movie Win a Date with Tad Hamilton for the first time, wrote this post and I’ll probably read a bunch of other blog posts on FMS. I also feel like continuing my reading of the amazing poetry of William Butler Yeats.
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On my 1 to 10 Scale of Tolerable Days, (1 being unbearable and 10 being peaceful and fun) I guess today was a: 5, tolerable.

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Here’s to you & me, pain free!
MZ

Emergency Situation

Dear Friends:
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Sorry for my absence. I had an unexpected emergency surgery come up. Although it was a "small" surgery, it could have taken my life if not done immediately. I’m fine now but it was scary.
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Events like that really open your eyes about life. It made me want to jump out of bed and go do all the things I think about when I’m stuck in bed in pain. It made me want to try to ignore the pain and just push thru it to try to find a job in any way I could. It made me want to walk into law firms and say, "hey, I need a job, I have all of these qualifications and can do all of this." It made me want to do my best to sell myself until I found someone who would give me a shot. I jumped up, took a shower, got dressed, put make-up on and then was in so much pain and was so exhausted because I had been down from my surgery and from my FMS that I had to lay back down! Oh well, at least I tried, tomorrow I’ll try again, maybe I’ll make it to my car and up the driveway!
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I guess it’s motivation that came thru when I realized that my life could end. It is sort of like a rebirth. My dad was even nice to me for three weeks, then he was back to yelling at me for being in bed, weak, worthless, etc. But I had some peace for 3 weeks! I’m finding it easier right now to deal with the depressing aspects of my life, to set them aside and try to focus on making a life for myself, since I really, honestly, have not had one since I moved a year ago. I really feel like I lost myself for a while there. My "emergency situation" we’ll call it, reminded me that I do have more control over my own life than I think, even though it can feel like I have no control at all and that I’m incredibly trapped at times. I’ve decided I’m going to fight that feeling like the plague, because it does nothing but harm my harmony.
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I hope this change in my attitude can help some people. I know what it’s like to be very down, because being in constant pain can cause some serious mental confusion. I don’t mean mental illness or anything, I mean spiritual and emotional confusion. Many times I prayed to God asking why I had to bare the burden of constant pain, and if it is chronic, even with faith, when will my peace come? I still don’t have an answer to that question, but I can tell you that I feel a lot better waking up in the morning with goals, even if my goal is to just get through the day in bed because I’m in so much pain I can’t find a position that’s not painful and I can’t stop crying because the pain won’t go away, no matter what coping mechanism I try. But there are also the days I can wake up and do a couple very gentle sun salutations as the sun rises on my boat dock on the river that is surrounded by the Smokey Mountains. Then I can go make myself some of my favorite coffee and sit on the deck and just watch the morning begin while writing either my blog or working on my novel. If I feel ok, I can even try to leave the house. These days are the days that make me feel good. Life can keep going for us, we literally just have to grab onto it, no matter what we can do that day with our FMS, our lives are so different from normal people, we can’t compare them to others! If we make it thru the day feeling like we accomplished something, we should be very happy and content with ourselves. And remember, try to do things for yourself or with your children that pleases your heart and spirit. You need to stop and feel your intuition to figure out what that is. These are the events that cleanse and please the soul, and really make us happy, the best medicine for us! I’m done with my rambling, I just want everyone with pain to find ways to soothe themselves, I know how hard it is to live when the pain is on fire...
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Here’s to you and me, pain free!
MZ