Dear Friends:
********************
********************
Sorry for my absence. I had an unexpected emergency surgery come up. Although it was a "small" surgery, it could have taken my life if not done immediately. I’m fine now but it was scary.
********************
Events like that really open your eyes about life. It made me want to jump out of bed and go do all the things I think about when I’m stuck in bed in pain. It made me want to try to ignore the pain and just push thru it to try to find a job in any way I could. It made me want to walk into law firms and say, "hey, I need a job, I have all of these qualifications and can do all of this." It made me want to do my best to sell myself until I found someone who would give me a shot. I jumped up, took a shower, got dressed, put make-up on and then was in so much pain and was so exhausted because I had been down from my surgery and from my FMS that I had to lay back down! Oh well, at least I tried, tomorrow I’ll try again, maybe I’ll make it to my car and up the driveway!
********************
I guess it’s motivation that came thru when I realized that my life could end. It is sort of like a rebirth. My dad was even nice to me for three weeks, then he was back to yelling at me for being in bed, weak, worthless, etc. But I had some peace for 3 weeks! I’m finding it easier right now to deal with the depressing aspects of my life, to set them aside and try to focus on making a life for myself, since I really, honestly, have not had one since I moved a year ago. I really feel like I lost myself for a while there. My "emergency situation" we’ll call it, reminded me that I do have more control over my own life than I think, even though it can feel like I have no control at all and that I’m incredibly trapped at times. I’ve decided I’m going to fight that feeling like the plague, because it does nothing but harm my harmony.
********************
I hope this change in my attitude can help some people. I know what it’s like to be very down, because being in constant pain can cause some serious mental confusion. I don’t mean mental illness or anything, I mean spiritual and emotional confusion. Many times I prayed to God asking why I had to bare the burden of constant pain, and if it is chronic, even with faith, when will my peace come? I still don’t have an answer to that question, but I can tell you that I feel a lot better waking up in the morning with goals, even if my goal is to just get through the day in bed because I’m in so much pain I can’t find a position that’s not painful and I can’t stop crying because the pain won’t go away, no matter what coping mechanism I try. But there are also the days I can wake up and do a couple very gentle sun salutations as the sun rises on my boat dock on the river that is surrounded by the Smokey Mountains. Then I can go make myself some of my favorite coffee and sit on the deck and just watch the morning begin while writing either my blog or working on my novel. If I feel ok, I can even try to leave the house. These days are the days that make me feel good. Life can keep going for us, we literally just have to grab onto it, no matter what we can do that day with our FMS, our lives are so different from normal people, we can’t compare them to others! If we make it thru the day feeling like we accomplished something, we should be very happy and content with ourselves. And remember, try to do things for yourself or with your children that pleases your heart and spirit. You need to stop and feel your intuition to figure out what that is. These are the events that cleanse and please the soul, and really make us happy, the best medicine for us! I’m done with my rambling, I just want everyone with pain to find ways to soothe themselves, I know how hard it is to live when the pain is on fire...
********************
Here’s to you and me, pain free!
MZ
********************
Events like that really open your eyes about life. It made me want to jump out of bed and go do all the things I think about when I’m stuck in bed in pain. It made me want to try to ignore the pain and just push thru it to try to find a job in any way I could. It made me want to walk into law firms and say, "hey, I need a job, I have all of these qualifications and can do all of this." It made me want to do my best to sell myself until I found someone who would give me a shot. I jumped up, took a shower, got dressed, put make-up on and then was in so much pain and was so exhausted because I had been down from my surgery and from my FMS that I had to lay back down! Oh well, at least I tried, tomorrow I’ll try again, maybe I’ll make it to my car and up the driveway!
********************
I guess it’s motivation that came thru when I realized that my life could end. It is sort of like a rebirth. My dad was even nice to me for three weeks, then he was back to yelling at me for being in bed, weak, worthless, etc. But I had some peace for 3 weeks! I’m finding it easier right now to deal with the depressing aspects of my life, to set them aside and try to focus on making a life for myself, since I really, honestly, have not had one since I moved a year ago. I really feel like I lost myself for a while there. My "emergency situation" we’ll call it, reminded me that I do have more control over my own life than I think, even though it can feel like I have no control at all and that I’m incredibly trapped at times. I’ve decided I’m going to fight that feeling like the plague, because it does nothing but harm my harmony.
********************
I hope this change in my attitude can help some people. I know what it’s like to be very down, because being in constant pain can cause some serious mental confusion. I don’t mean mental illness or anything, I mean spiritual and emotional confusion. Many times I prayed to God asking why I had to bare the burden of constant pain, and if it is chronic, even with faith, when will my peace come? I still don’t have an answer to that question, but I can tell you that I feel a lot better waking up in the morning with goals, even if my goal is to just get through the day in bed because I’m in so much pain I can’t find a position that’s not painful and I can’t stop crying because the pain won’t go away, no matter what coping mechanism I try. But there are also the days I can wake up and do a couple very gentle sun salutations as the sun rises on my boat dock on the river that is surrounded by the Smokey Mountains. Then I can go make myself some of my favorite coffee and sit on the deck and just watch the morning begin while writing either my blog or working on my novel. If I feel ok, I can even try to leave the house. These days are the days that make me feel good. Life can keep going for us, we literally just have to grab onto it, no matter what we can do that day with our FMS, our lives are so different from normal people, we can’t compare them to others! If we make it thru the day feeling like we accomplished something, we should be very happy and content with ourselves. And remember, try to do things for yourself or with your children that pleases your heart and spirit. You need to stop and feel your intuition to figure out what that is. These are the events that cleanse and please the soul, and really make us happy, the best medicine for us! I’m done with my rambling, I just want everyone with pain to find ways to soothe themselves, I know how hard it is to live when the pain is on fire...
********************
Here’s to you and me, pain free!
MZ
No comments:
Post a Comment